Re: Telling Letting others know you are unemployed
Telling someone about your misfortune is a way of reducing the power unemployment has over you. The more you share your situation, the easier it will get for you to talk about it and the overwhelming feelings of helplessness and disbelief will subside. Letting others know your situation opens the door for them to support you.
The pride and shame of losing my job effectively cut me off from the people who could help and support me. Telling my best friend had been a no-brainer. I knew she would be the first person to reassure me it wasn’t me, but them. I knew I could depend on her as a pillar to lean on and a shoulder to cry on. But to start with, I shared with a small and very select group of friends and that was an enormous mistake.
The more you discuss your job loss, the easier it will be for you to begin to do the things you need to do to regroup and strategize—the things you will need to do to recover and move forward. The more you put it off, the harder it will be.
Tell Your Partner and Family
As hard as this is, telling your family should be one of your first actions when you lose work. Yes, there is the sense of letting someone down and the fear of how they will react. However, there will need to be discussions about money, insurance, and finances. You might have to discuss child or elder care. You will have to decide upon your priorities, and quickly. For some of these decisions, you will have less than a month.
Do I know a painless and easy way to speak with family or a partner on this? Unfortunately, I do not. I believe these conversations should happen quickly and honestly. You will be surprised at how much rallying around a shared foe such as unemployment can bring people together. This is a time to ask your family and partner for trust, support, and help.
Although I have not had to speak to a partner about job loss, I can tell you what it is like from the other side. I have been in a serious relationship where unemployment became the catalyst for ending it. Not because my significant other had lost a job, but because they did not tell me they lost their job. I didn’t learn the truth until ages after the fact. I felt betrayed and not part of the relationship. I wanted and needed to be in a relationship where my partner and I could discuss things openly. Whether or not my partner realized it, if he couldn’t talk to me about those things, how could he ever expect me to come to him if our positions were reversed? Give your family and partner the credit they deserve and have those crucial conversations.
Tell Your Children
We want to protect our children from the things that can hurt them. That is noble and admirable. But children are far more perceptive than we think. They notice the slightest change of habits and routines. Younger children do not hesitate to ask very open and frank questions. Children are also far more resilient than we assume. They operate far better in the known than the unknown.
I was in my teens the first time one of my parents lost their job. My father lost his job and left it to my mother to tell us. Of course, she told my brothers and me not to talk to my father about it. Ever. As dutiful children, we followed orders. For almost a year, we lived in a house where we could not discuss or ask about the most significant event in our lives. We were forbidden to tell friends, neighbors, and other family members about our situation, which trapped us in this very uncomfortable environment. As scarring as all of that was, the worst part was that we had no support system. Rather than this being a crisis to bring our family together, it ultimately tore us apart.
If you thoughtfully and truthfully discuss the situation with your children, you will be teaching them a valuable lesson on how to appropriately deal with life’s troubles. This is an unforgettable lesson in how character builds us and how we become stronger through adversity. Wanting to protect your child from bad news is instinctive, but showing them how they too can recover from setbacks is an even greater gift to bestow on them.
Just as you would include your partner in major life decisions such as how to budget money, consider bringing your children into the discussion as well. It will prevent them from feeling hopeless and show them that they are helping you because you are making decisions as a family. You will be teaching your children about finance, budgeting, reflecting—amazing skills that will only help them as they get older. Not only that, but you will be building trust with them that will carry over for a lifetime.
Tell Your Friends
I told friends of my situation on a need-to-know basis, another thing I regret. Some friends, like my best friend, I told right away. Others, such as one former coworker, I told months after the fact. Fewer things let you know who your real friends are than a tragedy. As time goes by, your friends will fall into one of two categories—the people who are your friends are the ones who stand by you, and the people who aren’t are the ones who eventually leave you. I regret not telling most of my friends early on. First, because of the need for support and also because I’d have discovered sooner who was really in my corner.
Friends are by far one of the best things in life. These are the people who are with you by choice, not out of obligation, but because they like you. They want to be there for you. Letting your friends support you and love you is a duty and a privilege. They get as much out of it as you do. And eventually, tables may turn. I have friends who were there for me when I was out of work and who have since found themselves unemployed or in other life-altering situations. It is my pleasure and, yes, my duty to be there for them.
Tell Your Network
Your network exists to support you, educate you, and challenge you and for you to reciprocate. The network guides you. It’s there for you to learn more about your field and industry. Now more than ever is the time to put your network to work. When faced with job loss, reach out to your network. Let them know that you are looking for a job. Ask them for advice. Ask them to ask friends and colleagues. Ask them to leverage their own networks for you. And if positions are ever reversed, offer the help one of them before you are asked.
I have two stories about why it is crucial to speak to your network about your unemployment. My first one is my own mistake. I have a wonderful mentor. I can say without a doubt that she is a person who always expected the best from me but also always supported me. When I left our mutual company to take another job, she was genuinely happy for me. I rewarded her unwavering support by not telling her I had lost my job. I was too ashamed. I was afraid of losing the faith of someone whose opinion I valued so highly. Finally, when I had no other recourse, I told her. As the true professional I knew her to be, she immediately offered to see if there was a role for me at her company. My hesitation cost me, as they had already filled the position. However, through that lack of faith, I realized that she wasn’t just my mentor; she was also my friend. As much as it cost me, I would take that trade-off any day because she is a fantastic friend. I just couldn’t see it at the time.
My second story ends on a much more successful note. When we think of using our network, we need to think of the degrees-of-separation theory: How many degrees of separation are you away from who you need to know? My friend Matt saw a job on LinkedIn that he knew was perfect for him. He realized that he did not know anyone in that organization. Rather than give up, he reached out to his entire network on LinkedIn and asked if anyone knew anyone who worked there. He has been happily employed there for over a year. He made the network work. You should too.
Who you tell and when is up to you, however there are different reasons and different strategies for telling your friends and family about your situation. If we have learned anything from the past year and a half, it is that no one is indestructible and that we need each other. Unemployment can happen to any of us, but never underestimate how sharing your situation with those who care for can give you comfort and in some cases a lifeline.
